My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i believe in u and ur pee
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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