I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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