Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
