i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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