I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
