sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
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Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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