He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.