I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???