i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
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You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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