I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
