you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You left your phone here
Wait...
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