I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Houston, we have a squirter
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
