Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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