I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
