haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
