It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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