Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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