Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
