Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
