dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
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So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
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I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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