It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
