last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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