Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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