if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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