I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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