i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
