When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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