Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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