my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
