im about as happy as oj after his trial
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
