I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He better not be in your backpack
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
