i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
