So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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