She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
