I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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