Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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