i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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