addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
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She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
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I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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