No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Are we still banned from the library?
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Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
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he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.