So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
