i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
