How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
