I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
