If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
