woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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