I murdered the dance floor call the cops
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
