oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
