i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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