you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
