There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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