As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
