I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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