My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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