I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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