Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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