Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
